Rev. Jim Watkins and Roxie

Roxie was hard at work typing away on her computer. Since she types with her nose, her head was moving so fast that I had to dodge bits of saliva thrown my way.

“Whoa Roxie. You sure are in a hurry. What’s going on?”

“I’m trying to finish up my Human Watcher’s Guide. My editor, who is a Bloodhound, wants to see my draft NOW! If I don’t get it in, she will track me down. Some canines just don’t understand creativity takes time.”

“How can I help”

“I’m working on a section about being tacky. I remember your introducing me to that human concept. Tell me again what tacky means.”

“My momma told me that tacky means out of place, unseemly, gaudy, pretentious,.... Originally it was a fashion statement. Someone was tacky if they weren’t dressed appropiately for the occasion. However, it has come to mean not only dress but also behavior.”

“That’s in line with what I’ve developed for human watchers. lt’s a scale a canine can use to see how tacky a particular human is.”

“Is it difficult to use?”

“Not at all. You simply answer the following questions yes or no. Does he or she color his or her hair and/or use other artificial means to make themselves look younger? Does she or he tend to call people they disagree with names? Does he or she tend to avoid responsibility for mistakes? Does she or he often tell untruths? Does he or she surround himself or herself with “yes” humans who only tell him or her what he or she wants to hear? Does she or he tend to bully others to get what she or he wants? Does he or she boast a lot? Does she or he have a hard time giving others credit? Does he or she tend to trust his or her instincts rather than established fact? If you were out in public, would you move away from rather than toward this human?

Each yes is one point. The higher the score; the more tacky that human is and the more difficult he or she is to be around for any length of time.”

“I’m impressed Roxie!”

“Thanks. And you realize that the scale can also be used to evaluate candidates for office this year. Elect a tacky person to office, and it’s like a minister, like you, officiating at a formal wedding while dressed as the Hulk.”

“Hmmmm. That image tells me its time for happy hour. Break out the chocolate stout.”

The Rev. Dr. Jim Watkins and Roxie