Who’s tired? I am flat out exhausted. I don’t feel like I’m working any harder than usual. I am for sure eating more than usual, so you’d think I’d be pumped full of energy. But nope!
We are flowing on some sort of rhythm here at Spatz mansion. It’s not perfect and we are getting on each other’s nerves, but we are rolling. It just feels like each decision carries this enormous weight. Am I quarantine schooling the right way? Did I wash my hands long enough? Did the kids wash their hands long enough? Do we have enough food? Should we make a shopping trip? Are the things we are out of worth the risk? Trying to make and process all these choices while keeping up with daily responsibilities is so much!
Then you factor in that as much as we love each other, we are over it. Don’t get on your soapbox and remind me how it was this way in “olden times” cause it wasn’t. You had the choice to get together with your support system. To see extended family and to go to social gatherings, those are not options right now. We cannot offer hugs of support, and y’all if I ever needed a hug, it’s literally right now.
We all are consumed with making sure we are doing the right thing and eyeballing those we think are not. We are policing each other on a hardcore level. Calling out those who aren’t following the rules. Starting social media wars over who has the most toilet paper. Y’all, I’m a huge fan of grocery delivery services. But I can assure that even if I hadn’t been using the service for months, I would be now. I’m terrified that someone would see me shopping and assume I was attempting to hoard. The amount of food takes to feed our family is not small. I would literally cry if someone yelled at me in the grocery store.
We are stressed about those who are being laid off and worrying about those who might get laid off. We are living in fear that those we love working in health care will get sick. That fear can, and will wipe you out.
Factor in that we are grieving the loss of our plans. Baby showers that aren’t going to happen, weddings postponed and graduation celebrations that suddenly look very different than we ever thought. Those are things that some people spend their lives dreaming of, and not once did a pandemic factor into those dreams.
Some days I’m on point; full of motivation to do my very best to get everything right. School, check. Toddlers engaged in a stimulating activity, check. Clean house, check. Dinner from scratch, check. Then other days (most days) I am barely hanging on, I desperately want to lie in bed and melt into it. Y’all I have gone out to the van parked in my driveway, turned on the AC and sobbed. It took me awhile to get to the crying place, but here we are.
There is no time frame. We don’t know how long we will be asked to carry this load. But I do know that sobbing in your van helps, naps help, and admitting how stressed you are feeling will help. We are all affected in some way. Our feelings matter. Sometimes we do our best and sometimes we don’t. Both are okay.
Erin Spatz lives in Pawleys Island and is the author of the book, “Who Left Me In Charge.”