Erin Spatz photo (copy)

Erin M. Spatz

Eric recently had a surgery that a lot of dads have. Especially if that dad has a lot of kids and is finished having kids. Eric approached this surgery completely different than I did. He crept towards the surgery date with a good bit of fear and loathing. I, on the other hand, really wanted to throw a party.

I know I’m a lot, but Eric can handle it. Eric wanted to drive in silence the surgery center where we paid extra to have him put to sleep for this great event. I wanted to take lots of pictures to mark this glorious day but no, Eric didn’t want mementos. So I was forced to take several of myself with the doctor and nursing staff. Eric was a trooper like always, who just tolerates my excitement about everything. He did make me laugh though, after the surgery they offered him a drink and he asked for a beer.

We are still, and always will be open to adding to our family. That particular route is just not for us anymore. I continually pray that God will add to our family as He sees fit. It’s not that I did not enjoy and love all of my pregnancies, because well, I didn’t. I tolerated them for the sweet baby at the end. Pregnancy is wonderful and it’s a gift that not everyone gets to experience. It’s just not the most fun I’ve ever had. Just because you are good at carrying babies doesn’t mean you love it. I just love the sweet blessing at the end. I would do it all over again for each one of my kids. There are times when the pregnancy doesn’t go as you had hoped or planned. October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. One in four pregnancy ends without a live birth. I am one in four. There is a good chance you know someone who has had a miscarriage or lost a baby. It may be you. I had a miscarriage at eight weeks. I did nothing wrong. I didn’t cause it, but I felt guilty and responsible. My body betrayed me. We had seen our baby’s heartbeat and were excited to see the baby. But, that baby didn’t make it earthside. It’s weird to mourn something you’ve never held or touched, but you mourn. You mourn what would have been, what could have been possible. You feel shocked that just the day before you were carrying a dream and then you feel like everything is a nightmare. The due date comes and you are still mourning the baby, the dream. I still miss that baby. The one I haven’t met yet. We decided (mostly me) to go on and have another baby, Waylon. He was so wanted, but I also needed him. To say that we’d end our childbearing years on the sad note of loss was too much for me. I needed and wanted to close out that chapter on a happy note. God gave us that closure. He is really bald, with blue eyes and a silly personality. During this month if you experienced a loss or are going through one right now please know that I am praying for you. I encourage you to share your story with others. Let’s be less alone together.

Erin Spatz lives in Pawleys Island and is the author of the book, “Who Left Me In Charge.”