Erin Spatz: The tale of the diet

  • Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Although it does not feel like summer, it is in fact on its way.  And, with summer comes bathing suit shopping.  With bathing suit shopping comes dieting.  This is the tale of the diet.
My friend Jessica sends me a text message that says  "Did you know that our bodies hold up to 10 pounds of toxins?"  I responded with "No I did not."  She then replies "Well, I have been looking at doing a cleanse, are you interested?"   I quickly text "Yes!"
Which in hindsight was dumb.  I, should have said what all does this entail?  But, no, I just said yes.  Here is what I said yes to: seven days of nothing but fruit, vegetables and a gallon of lemon water a day.  No processed food of any kind.   No wine and no coffee.  The food thing is easy, but "no wine" and "no coffee" hurt a bit.  The gallon of water- not so easy.  When you combine a woman who has had four babies with a gallon of water, bad things are bound to happen.  I'm just saying that I did suggest moving my desk right into the bathroom.  And thankfully the pollen had not fully attacked us yet because one good sneeze and well you know...
Jessica enlisted a few other people and we picked a start date.  We all shopped for our healthy foods and got ready for what was surely going to be a fat melting event.   Day one: everyone was tough and we did it.  Except Jessica, she was slightly grumpy.  Day two: we are chugging along, eating carrots, kale and celery.  Jessica is eating the right things, but I get a text message that says "I hate this." followed by another that says "I may cheat." Which she did!
I would like it noted that the whole time I am working on this detox, my family is still eating regular food that I am cooking.  I made cookies and brownies for them. Did I eat any? Nope.
Day three: the need for something sweet is getting to me so I eat a bunch of strawberries.  Not the same as ice cream, but it'll do.  Everyone else on the detox plan is sharing ideas and foods they've tried.
Jessica sends me three text messages: "Please let me quit!", "This is killing my soul!", and "There are too many rules".
She quits.  Her final statement was that it was the worst idea she has ever had.  It was the worst idea she ever had and dragged her friends along for the ride!
I carry on, through days four through seven without cheating, drinking a gallon of water everyday.  Praying fervently that I am not surprised by a sneeze.
Finally, the day arrives that I can finally eat anything I want, drink coffee and wine, yippee.  But first I am dying to know if I lost the terrible 10 pounds of toxins. Except I don't have a scale.  I did all that work and now I'll never know ...
I gotta go, my pie's ready.

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