Monday, December 24, 2012
By Nick Thomas
Here are the top 10 excuses the Mayans might have given to explain why the world never ended in 2012!
10. “We were grossly misquoted. We never should have given that interview to the Mayan National Inquirer.”
9. “Oops!” (Hey, it was good enough for Gov. Rick Perry).
8. “What, you were surprised? We couldn’t even predict the Spanish conquistador invasion.”
7. “Our crystal ball was manufactured by Microsoft.”
6. “We never said an asteroid or super volcano would destroy civilization overnight. We predicted reality TV would do it slowly over several years.”
5. “Sure, we were known for our intricate system of calendars, but unfortunately our chief astrologer became too distracted with the Sports Illustrated calendar of AD 620.”
4. “A world-destroying asteroid, Toutatis, did approach the Earth on December 16, but missed by 4 million miles. Give us a break, the abacas we used for calculation was missing a few beads.”
3. “You’re criticizing our powers of prognostication? Hey, we didn’t predict that Y2K farce.”
2. “Our prediction would have come true, but the monster asteroid that did hit the Earth on Dec. 21 disappeared harmlessly when it landed in Charlie Sheen’s mouth.”
1. “To all those chumps who spent thousands stockpiling supplies in shelters: Got Ya!”
Thomas’ features and columns have appeared in more than 250 magazines and newspapers, including the Washington Post, LA Times, Chicago Tribune, Boston Globe, San Francisco Chronicle, and Christian Science Monitor. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org